I’ve been putting off writing for days. I know why — I kept waiting for the sun to come back. For my headache to clear up. For the dust to settle. For clarity.
Have you ever waited too long for clarity? Is it worth chasing?
Today the sun has come out of hiding. A major plot twist, judging by the weather we’ve been having in my city. Full-on fall, in the middle of the spring. Ridiculous. But now the sun’s back to reclaim its throne.
My head is clear again. I’m not a person of (religious) faith, but when my migraines strike, I convert instantly. The clarity I feel right now is exactly what I prayed for. I feel like myself again.
Besides the paralyzing pain, I hate headaches (especially the ones that last for days) for making me feel like a shadow of myself. For keeping me stuck in ‘power saving mode’. For reducing my world to the bare necessities: sleep, water, (maybe) food. All else fades into darkness.
I can’t even begin to imagine what it means living with a chronic disease, seeing as I crumble after a 3 days-long headache.
Maybe none of this will last.
Maybe spring just teased me with a comeback. Maybe my headache is already planning to torture me again tonight. But I wanted to take this moment to create something.
To document a brief window of clarity - inside and out.
Meanwhile, today marks the last day of work before my Easter break officially starts. So hopefully I will take this feeling of peace and clarity and carry it with me for many days to come.
I hope I get the chance to get briefly reacquainted with the slow life.
Do you find yourself living from one moment of clarity to the next? Or do you thrive on chaos? I’d be curious to find out, so reach out in the comments if you feel like sharing.
If this letter feels a bit jumbled, it’s not you, it’s me. I haven’t yet had time to piece all my thoughts together and they came out like this… messy and fragmented. But at least they’re out. I call that a win.
Proud of you! It IS a win!
it is a win, indeed :) - i thrive in chaos for the matter being, i like running late, i like hurrying up, i like the adrenaline pump in my blood - and this is a realisation i have had reading your letter, so big thank you! :)