When I first learned about the concept of an “inner child”, I scoffed. What do you mean we all have an inner child living inside of us, waiting to take over at the most incovenient times? That’s absurd.
I’m not a kid anymore. That chapter of my life is long gone. I am a self-reliant, mature adult who doesn’t throw tantrums, have unreasonable requests or cry at the first sign of trouble.
Mhmm, yeah, sure. 🙃
If reading that made you chuckle - I don’t blame you. I’m aware of the irony.
Indeed, I am an adult (by age at least, at heart I’m still about 18). I work to make my own money, I (try to) take care of myself, I take responsibility for my actions. All very adult-y things.
But it doesn’t take much to burst my bubble. The moment I feel left out (which is, apparently, a very sore wound for me), my inner child comes out to play. Play with my emotions, I mean.
I instantly revert back to my 10-year-old self, throw a tantrum, cry, scream, give up… all this behind the very well-kept, poker-faced facade of a 30-year-old woman who’s trying to do her job.
A thunderstorm in a tightly sealed jar.
I don’t enjoy these takeovers. I don’t like not feeling in control. I don’t like giving people around me (ironically, these moments always happen when I’m surrounded by people) the impression that I am unstable, unreliable, unpredictable. A sour puss, a party-pooper.
Adults should know and be better than that.
That is the critical side of me acting out. The one that would bully my inner child to get it to behave. To grow up. To stop whining, to learn the rules of the game and play by them.
We’ve reached that part of the story where I find a way to turn this around.
Well, one thing is sure, I can’t erase or rewrite the past. It’s a biiiit too late for that now. What I can do is try to focus on the things that make my inner child happy.
Yes, shocker, happy feelings are also an option.
Luckily, it is just as easy for me (and my inner child) to be happy as it is to be sad, disappointed or angry. It doesn’t take much. A smile or hug at the right moment, a wave of inspiration, a soothing word. Hell, even the sun makes a world of difference under the right circumstances.
I wonder if this inner child of mine plans to stay. If it will still want to take over when I’m 42, 65 or 91. Will I fight it then as much as I do now? Or will I learn to show it compassion, give it a long hug, sit awhile and play?
God, I hope so.
During my healing journey at one point I had a picture of me as a toddler as my phone’s background and every time I would use it I’d see the picture and I’d talk to that little boy and tell him I would take care of him now and protect him but most of all, that I would love him. It sounds (and it probably is) corny but my God did it help heal so many things.
My inner child disappears until I visit my hometown and then the thunderstorm hits. No matter how much I think I've evolved, my inner-child still has loads of healing to do. Beautiful piece :)