Dancing with my shadow.
It’s fascinating to watch how eager my shadow self is to come out at the slightest hint of trouble. To set the scene — my understanding of the shadow self derives from Jung’s own ideas:
The shadow is a cognitive blind spot of our psyche, an undercurrent of who we are that we’re completely unaware of; it’s an element of our own nature that exists in our unconscious and made from our repressed desire, ideas, instinct, and our weaknesses and shortcomings.
In other words, the part of us that we reject and repress (consciously or not) because it doesn’t align with our ideals or the persona we’ve fought so hard to build. The part that nobody would want to bear witness to. The part that’s too dark, too chaotic or too broken to ever be desired (or so we think).
I’m probably butchering Jung’s concept. Or just making it my own.
At any rate, for me the shadow takes on many forms, depending on the occasion. Sometimes it comes disguised as my self-destructiveness (which manifests itself in all kinds of small ways), other times a surprising lack of empathy. It can be unbridled anger (towards life??), jealousy, loneliness, distrust, depression, etc.
The list is long and full of terrors.
Some days I can tuck it back in with the right music (usually some Linkin Park does the trick), clothes or even a change in my makeup.
Ridiculous as that may sound, it works because it helps me salvage some of those primal/dark/violent/nihilistic thoughts and channel them into a somewhat healthier coping mechanism.
Other times, all that does is hit the snooze button.
And then, eventually, I have to let it come out as it is. Primal. Violent. Undesirable. Raw.
Dragging my shadow self into the light, acknowledging that it exists and it’s a part of me that I can’t remove or suppress forever, it’s a sobering and humbling process. I definitely couldn’t have done it 5, 10 or 15 years ago.
I think that’s because I’m much more aware of all that I am now — good and bad — and I can accept that life is spent waiting for the balance scales to settle, and realizing they rarely will.
I wanted to write about this today because I felt weighed down by my shadow.
But instead of running away from it or, on the contrary, fully giving in - I saw a third option. I dragged it into the harsh light of reality, exposing it for the beast it is.
I don’t know if I can ever make friends with my shadow self. Our relationship is much too complicated for that. If I let it get too close, I know it can unleash a force that will smash my world into tiny little pieces. If I reject it, I’m essentially turning a blind eye on a large part of myself.
It’s a weird dance, in which we both take turns leading. But neither of us knows what the next step is.
For now, I will just draw the curtains and let it go back to sleep.
One way to define shadow is this: what we’re not aware of and the others can however see. But in reality, what is typically called “shadow” is made of 3 distinctive parts: 1. what we are aware of and the others are also aware of, but we try to hide or keep in the dark (conscious shadow), 2. what we are unaware of but the others can see in us (unconscious shadow) and 3. what neither us, nor the others can be aware of, a part that can suddenly appear as a surprise (our blindspot). What Jung recommended was to make the unconscious conscious, that is, to become aware of what we weren’t aware before. To do this, we can either make an effort on our own (self-discovery, meditation, work alone) or we can use the help of others who can clearly see parts of us that are hidden to our own awareness (for instance, we cannot see our own face and the expressions on it, but the others who look at us have full access at this and can offer feedback). Once parts of the shadow are known (we become aware of), we are presented with a choice: either keep them hidden (therefore becoming our Secret), or allow them to exist from time to time (therefore becoming assumed traits, used occasionally, but remaining under our control, as what is known can also be mastered or at least managed). The same process of getting to know the blindspot is also needed, so as not to cause surprises (more often bad surprises are the problem).
Although the name is “dark”, Shadow does not refer to negative traits only. In fact, if we judge something as being negative, it is only our judgement. There are many people who have positive shadows; they keep good things hidden in them (or they aren't even aware of them), for fear of being judged by others or not being accepted... and so on and so forth.
And one last thought: the ability to be aggressive (kept in the shadow), “to unleash a force that will smash the world” as you write, can be helpful when you channel it in the form of ambition or perseverance… or defensive capacity, in case you’re attacked… or when you have to defend your personal borders, physical or psychological. Once accepted, the shadow can be used when needed be, surprising everyone. It truly is a superpower.
In my experience, the longer I’ve sat with my shadow, the more comfortable we’re getting with each other (even as we still keep a wary eye on each other!)
Happy Dancing!